The continuing battle

I feel like I'm in a constant battle between my body and my willpower. I WANT to get all of my work done, make it through a day of uni without passing out on a bench somewhere for hours, go out with my friends and have fun, play with my pets and chase them around my garden... but I can't. No matter how hard I fight my body, I have my limiatations. I have so much accepted them over these past five years, but then I haven't, not entirely. Sometimes, i just want to SCREAM. I am desperate to do so much, but my body won't let me.

I still feel like an energetic, sporty, lively, active person. It is just my body that fails me, stops me being who I feel I am. I want to grab a surf board and run off across to the beach, I want to go for long runs... but my body can't acomplish what I yearn to do so much.

I was trying to write yesterday in class, but my brain wouldn't communicate with my hand. It wasn't the pain that stopped me, no, I'm just retarted and couldn't get my hand to do what I wanted it to do. It came out as scribble, then I couldn't even manage to grip the pen. I can't even describe the sensation that I feel when it happens. It's something that is worsening with time... whether its connected with the accidents, the injuries from them? or my illnesses? I haven't mentioned it to my drs, my GP knows nothing, specialistists are too far away and I can't manage the trips, and I'm over discussing the things wrong with me anyway. I'm over the whole lot of it. And it's all so invisible. I love the fact that I can hide the fact I'm sick so well, after 5 years of practice hiding the hell going on in my body everyday I could be an actress haha. But then I HATE the fact that I look fine, because people do not understand what they cannot see. I want to be independent. I want to drive, have a job, god just to be able to get my own food every day and do things for myself without having to rely on other people. To have the energy to have a shower every day, not spend every other moment of my life crashed in bed just because I've gone to class that day.

The pain is unbearable to :(