One day in my body

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I am trapped, trapped in this sick body. My prison, my hell, my living hell. Helpless, suffocating. There is no escape. My mind, however, can never be trapped. Thoughts wander, happier memories, better times. Running, feet pounding upon the earth, rhythmic, control, freedom. Absence of limits. Laughter filling the air, pure, unburdened happiness. Happiness that doesn't know the sorrow of things lost. The life lived in the absence of health.

It can't be happening, not to me, things like this don't happen to me. Wake me, please wake me from the nightmare, tell me its okay. No more comfort, nothing's safe. Realisation. I'm not invincible, not immune, there's no such thing. Youth is not an armor of invincibility. Bad things happen, and they can happen to me. They did. Beyond comprehension. Unreal, reality's unreal.

The clock on the wall; tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Struck down in my prime, life on hold, but time doesn't stop for one. No, it doesn't wait. We're nothing more but specks in the timeline of this earth. I watch. Seconds become minutes, minutes hours, hours become days. The pages of the calendar fall away. Days turn into months, months into years. The years, years keep trickling by. Escaping me, come back, oh please come back. Come back for me. Where did time go? I'm missing too much. How is it that I ended up here? It was never supposed to be this way.

A new morning, a brand new day. There's no fresh start. Drained. Heavy body, a heavier heart. Youthful exuberance; gone. Pain and illness, pain and illness, day in and day out. Day after day. A never ending cycle, every movement has it price. Ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth it? A week in bed, for a day of life. Payback. Is it worth the price I'll pay? The difference between wanting to do something, and being able. Balance is the key, balance is the key. I can't do this, but I can do that. Focus on the bright side, what I can do rather than can't. Positive, positive, positive. Just stay positive, keep on smiling. Can't let this rob my happiness. It cannot take my happiness.

Identity, stripped naked. Raw and vulnerable, left so raw, so vulnerable. So empty, weary and lost. Ability robbed. Farewell to life as you know it, farewell, farewell to the person you are. Farewell to all that you love, farewell to your future envisioned. A thief in the night stole my youth, stole my life. Everything's different, alien, unfamiliar. Who am I? Who I am with all that I knew, all I defined myself by, gone? Emptiness. A shadow of who I was, just a shadow, a shadow of a life once lived. I am but a shadow. Start over, find myself again. Who I am now? Discovery.

Guilt. Guilt for what I've put everyone through, for not being able to do things, for needing extra help, for being a burden. Guilt for failing, for lost potential, a bright future diminished. Expectations. I let them down, they'd deny it, but I did. I let myself down. Shattered dreams, nothing is how I thought it'd be. Plans mean nothing, not really, you can't plan for anything. My plans were destroyed in a flash. Spinning, my head is spinning. Too many emotions all rolled into one. Anger. There's no one to blame, no one to be angry with. Beyond my control, beyond everyone's control. Sadness. Grieving for what was, and for what might have been. Learn to let go, I have to let go. Move on. Let go of the life I'd imagined [this is too hard]. Make the most of this card I've been dealt.

Pain; screaming, throbbing, jabbing, aching, piercing. Attention seeking agony. Never goes away, never shuts up. Always there, like someone screaming in your ear. Constantly, all day long. An intruder. You fight it, a constant war. A battle for your sanity. A daily fight to function. Must concentrate; pain here, pain there. Can't focus; pain, pain everywhere. Impossible. Drowning. Everything's so far away, watching the world through a mist. Isolation. A vortex of misery, threatens to obliterate all traces of happiness. No, I won't let it win. Pill after pill after pill. A little relief. Focus on something else; ipod listening, flick my fingers, twirl my hair, bite my lip, click my pen, count to 10 again and again and again. All while trying to hide that I'm in pain. Distraction. Imagine a far away island; feel the sand between my toes, water dancing around my legs. Feel anything but the pain. It will never take over, it will never win. I am stronger than that. I am stronger than pain.

Strength. I'm not that strong, not like you think. I never chose to deal with this. You don't get given a choice in it. Fall apart, or try to cope. I try so hard to take it as it comes. Sometimes it just gets too much. Sometimes all I can do is cry, alone in my room I let myself cry. I never let anyone see, see how hard this really is, I wouldn't want them to think I am weak. But no one could cope with this perfectly, a smile pasted upon their face. Not you, not me, not anyone.

Watching them, healthy people, living so effortlessly. Walking, running, skipping, dancing, moving like it's second nature. Without pain. Without limitations. Without a second thought. I'm jealous, so sick with jealousy, green with envy. Oh if only they knew how lucky they are. If only I had known. I wouldn't have taken a minute for granted. Not even a second would I have wasted. Health is so precious, so valuable. Like most things, value is realised once it is lost. In absence of health, value is found. I only wish I could have known.

They can't see it, they can't see it. Only I can feel it. Invisible. How to explain something so invisible. I wish I had the words. I don't look sick, I might seem fine, but I'm not the same as them. I can't do the things they can. Only see me at my best, never at my worst. Never when I'm bedridden, can hardly lift my head. Isolation, so isolating. Everyday is a struggle. If you could spend a day in my body, maybe then you'd see. A day in my body is all that it would take. I could write forever, but I can never really show you how it feels to be me.

I'm still learning every day, to deal, to just get by. Health is all I hope for. A dream I'm holding onto. Sometimes hope is all you ever really need. All I can do is hold on tight, keeping hope alive.