For you, Deon

before midnight comes and the days is over;

For you, Deon;
I wonder who you'd be today if you'd had the chance to live your life. Its your birthday today, little brother. Just thinking of you and how another year has gone by, another year that you should have been older.You wouldn't be so little anymore! We'll have a cake (you'd better like chocolate!) if you promise to come blow out the candles?

I remember when I was little and we used to release balloons for you each year, for your birthday or anniversary. I'd like to do that again for you. I remember how I used to see you sometimes at night in my bedroom, I used to believe you really did come to visit me, slightly older each time and we'd talk for a while. It was our little secret from mum and dad! How I wish the imagination of a child was true. I wish I knew what happened to us after we die, then I'd know where you are and if I'll ever get to meet you again. I'd love to believe that but I'm scared we just end and only go on in people's memories. I remember you, I always will, I am so glad I have those memories of playing nosey nosey with you! As scary as it was being a little kid, I'm glad I was there with you. Every time they bring up brain damage in psych I'm the one with tears in my eyes for you.

I hope that somehow you knew we were there by your side, that you could feel our love and how much I wanted you to live so we could play together. Things would have been so different. It just isn't fair that you're not here to grow up with us, I wouldn't have been the odd one out dark haired and olive skinned one if you were here! People wouldn't have accused me of being adopted all the time :P

I love you and though I'll always wonder who you could have been, you'll always be my baby brother.

PS.You owe me a few million siblings fights!

Photographs.

Looking through photos just from this year, it’s crazy how much things change so quickly. I could not have known just how much this year would change me. Friendships have been lost. Some, friendships I thought would last forever. Other friendships have grown closer. Trust has been completely shattered. Those closest to me will understand the meaning behind that. I’ve been overseas and literally fallen in love with Ireland and Paris. I met all my Irish family and it felt amazing to become part of such a big family. I cannot wait to go back next year.

The girl in those photos from the start of this year, I hardly even recognise her. She feels so far away from who I am now. Everything is just so different.

Blows come and they come.

So much has happened since I last wrote.

I've had 3 appointments with the physio now. Its going well, she explained some of what's going on with my body and the pain in terms I could understand - none of that doctor talk that I zone out to haha! I also started hydrotherapy this week and it's really exhausting but the warm water is heaven for the pain, so the price I pay after even out for the good it will hopefully bring. I really need some good.

It's the holidays now and I planned to try and get so much of my work done, to see if I can give myself a chance at making it through this semester only, (and i hate to say as usual, but -) as usual, another blow has come along to make things that much harder. I've never been to clubs, I've never been able and nor would I want to even if I was healthy... but it was someone who was a good friend of mine's 21st on Friday and everyone at the party decided they wanted to go out so off I went. Biggest mistake. My drink was spiked. Thanks to 2 old school friends the guy, who turned out to be 2 guys, didn't manage to get me out of there and they got me away from him thank god. I spent the night unconcious in hospital, having seizures, but it could have been so much worse. So I have crashed badly, nevermind... meh.

Leaving out all the details, because I won't go blurting things out on the internet, someone I thought was one of my best friends is no longer a friend. Its better to find out who your real friends are, as deeply as you might be hurt.

So I've got nothing done for uni at all so far, one week to go still...

I think I have the appointment at the gosford hospital pain clinic next Friday, I'm not sure, I've been waiting long over a year for it (closer to two) but it means going through everything all over again. It is so tiring...

On a brighter note I'm trying to get my rabbit Pixie pregnant with Benji, they're both like little dalmations and would have the most adorable babies :) Though I wont be keeping any of them if it happens.